letter to home

In conjunction with the Art House Co-op call for Letters to Home I am writing a letter to my childhood home...

I remember you. A small house on little street in an undersized town. There was never anything remarkable about you, yet as a child it was all I knew. Only later, as an adult with a broader range of experiences and perspectives was I able to view the contrast with that of the greater world.

Images come in quick snippets. Memories, good and bad. Details of avocado colored stoves and tiles, geometric fabrics on mini skirts, and hot toddy drinks with santa hats. Sounds of raised voices, I hide in the closet. Confusion and sprints to my grandparents next door. Broken glass and broken promises. A dog named Brady that simply disappeared. Watermelons and a black lab in the back of the car. What is it, or who is it, we're running from? Somehow we end up in the Hollywood hills throwing snails off of a front porch. Chinese restaurant, so exotic to me. Dark and mysterious, velvet on the walls. I never want to leave this foreign land. New faces, lost connections. Who will be the one? He replaces the other. Yet the replacement came after me. No belief. She tells me I lied. But always there was love in the arms of another generation. She protected me. She believed me. She loved me.

So you, small house where I lived. You did not protect me. You did not shelter me. You left me no memories worth keeping, no desire to return. The one next door, love. She did all for me that you did not. And now she is gone...

thanksgiving 2023

It is Thanksgiving morning 2023. I awoke early to savor a few quiet minutes before the house comes to life. The mist on the river is especially beautiful this morning, as if purposely providing the perfect backdrop for this incredibly special day.  Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, yet having all the kids here makes for an extremely euphoric day.

Alex has flown up from L.A. with his girlfriend for a few days. I am eternally grateful for this gesture as he has always been a city kid with an aversion to the country, yet as he gets older he appears to be growing into a sense of appreciation for diverse environments.  Thankfully he has also matured to be hard working and grateful for the path he was provided.

Electra is doing great in her final year of college. After traveling the globe and working as a camp counselor for the Diabetic Youth Foundation she has amassed a well-traveled, eclectic group of friends. Ever since she was a kid she always and easily created friendships with a globally diverse group.  I continue to be awestruck at her grace and sense of brilliancy at navigating her diabetes. 

Lucy is finishing up her first semester of college, and appears to be navigating her freshman year with as much ease as she displayed in her previous years. School has always been a place where she knew just what to do and did it with all the precision and expertise as could be expected. I have always suspected that Lucy inherited her father's brain; with her intense focus and laser sharp perceptions I feel fairly indemnified in my assessment. 

Steven and I have settled into a life that most would consider nothing less than idyllic. Every day I wake up grateful for having him by my side, and thankful for the environment we are able to call home. I look to the past with a heavy heart, pain and guilt, yet we came out the other side stronger than ever before. I have never taken for granted what a gift he has given me or what an amazing man he is. We have traveled the world, explored and experienced, yet get to settle in at the end of the day, together, on this beautiful land. 

Somehow, with the kids out of the house and on their own, we have managed to stay busier than we ever dreamed, yet are filled with such joy at our endeavors. The ranch is flourishing and sustaining just as we had envisioned; orchard trees, full garden, chickens and cows. We have learned over the years how to live on the land and take pride in the process that creates this environment. 

My days are spent gardening and tending to the ranch, painting and writing. I am still involved with various groups that support the care and cure for diabetes, whereas Steven is working with a group that educates individuals on conservation and the oil rationing that has recently been put into place. He remains on the Riverbed board of directors, and continues to work as a consultant for his last company which focuses on land conservation. 

It's funny what they say about the more life changes... The kids have each come into their own, yet are still the beautiful, little beings that they always were. We continue living our lives and taking in new information, yet our world is changing, just as Steven predicted. 

So today, as every day before it, I am thankful. Simply very, very thankful.

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

I spent this weekend thinking about how life changes us, how opening up our hearts and our minds to new experiences and environments allows us to live a life full of rich possibilities. It is incredibly easy to create knee-jerk reactions to what we think we might want; to what we think we enjoy, yet without fully engaging in all situations do we truly get to participate in this ride called life. Or, maybe I'm just getting older and relishing in the idea of settling down and hibernating with my family in a pristine environment as we live and learn from the land that supports us. 

"Change has a bad reputation in our society. But it isn't all bad - not by any means. In fact, change is necessary in life - to keep us moving... to keep us growing... to keep us interested... Imagine life without change. It would be static... boring... dull."  (note: and, may the changes that I continue to make in my life always be hand in hand with Steven...).

moving forward

On the eve of a new year, full of possibilities, I found this poster intriguing. How is it that we move forward and continue on our journey if the past continually becomes a road block? I am certainly guilty of putting that judgement on others and have been on the receiving end of it. I have mistakingly thrown it at my children more times than I care to admit, and have thrown it on myself in times of weakness. 

"Personal change is a reflection of our inner growth and empowerment." With eyes forward, heart full of love, and intent on a better life, the past becomes just that. If others choose to take up residence in that faraway land all we can do is love them for who they are as we continue moving forward.

The world would be a very different place today if each individual who made mistakes or faced obstacles, simply gave up. So others may judge, but by doing so they miss the magic of new beginnings.

Life provides us with time to redirect the course we were placed on. It's never too late. Carpe diem and live where you may!

12 stupidly easy resolutions

12 stupidly easy resolutions for the new year via sf gate columnist extraordinaire, Mark Morford.

1. extra moaning: express your joy and bliss.
2. wilder sighing: not the negative sighing, but the guttural, raw sighing as you thank the gods without saying a word.
3. truer breathing: being fully and exquisitely aware of how you're moving life force through your body.
4. gentler grip: forget social media, upsets and drama. soften the mad grip and realize the nature of consciousness in an ever fluxive cycle of expansion and contraction, over and over again. forever. 
5. deeper penetration: penetration into meaning. penetration into source and consciousness. past the surface of things, deep into the forces that make it all go.
6. drink the awe: be aware of the 1,008 astonishing miracles banging around your life right this second if you were just able to realize their wobbly gifts. the infinite possibilities. what a thing. imagine. 
7. invert the melancholy: be less jaded and weary. imagine the world as less corrupt. choose what you want, but see the naked silliness in putting a permanent pall on everything. 
8. up the vibration: pump, kick and feed the pulse and join forces with the higher realms of consciousness. 
9. down with zippers: enjoy a refreshingly filthy and delicious, respectful and educated, fearless and  open-throated sexual awareness.
10. occupy heart space: take up residence in your own power center, feel around in the box of your own bullshit and shove out the demons of bitterness and fear. 
11. appreciate appreciation: gratitude abounds. be more grateful for whatever it is you're grateful for.
12. ecstatic stillness: when you are awake and alive in your own body and life, when all senses are alive and the light illuminates everything to the point of absolute bursting, there is nothing else to want. 

new years eve 2012

It is New Years Eve and my head is full of heart and hope. This past year has provided a roller coaster of growth, strength, tenacity and perseverance, but it has also provided a few steps backward. Perfection is an ever elusive mirage. Thoughts bounced around my head the past 12 months, playing solitaire and games of illusions, so this year I thought it best to accept the truth, hard as it may be, and move on. Perhaps better than making up ideas of what was or could have been? I'm not sure the right answer but I do know that the truth brings an opportunity of processing and moving forward. The imagination is always more extreme than reality.

Resolutions, while rarely kept, are an attempt at change. My attempt this year is simply to move forward. One more day forward puts one more day of the past further in the distance. Perhaps the past will eventually become unrecognizable. Perhaps we will all become the people we were intended to be, without the challenges of outside forces.

For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
-T.S. Eliot


My goal for 2012: move forward. connect. heal.
Happy, happy, joy, joy. A new year awaits us...

happy birthday lucy!

We just returned home after a long trip bouncing from Oakland to Las Vegas to Orange County. We were in Las Vegas celebrating Lucy's 8th year on this earth with no other than the Blue Man Group. It was, in a word, awesome. Unfortunately the experience was not all that it could have been since Steven and Electra were not with us, but we have plans to head back. It was too good not to enjoy together as a family.

For ninety entertaining minutes Lucy laughed, engaged, clapped and smiled. It was the best experience that a mother could witness, and it appeared to be the best gift an 8 year old could receive.  Life has a tendency to make the every day mundane. It is moments such as these that stand out and make it all worthwhile as we realize how incredibly fortune we are to experience such fun and happiness.  

Happy Birthday my sweet Lucy. If there is one thing I can wish for you it is that you take each day as it comes, enjoy each moment for what it's worth and always ask your daddy for the final answer to satisfy that ever inquiring brain of yours. I love you more than the moon, and the stars, and the sky.