three times love

thanksgiving 2023

2012-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

It is Thanksgiving morning 2023. I awoke early to savor a few quiet minutes before the house comes to life. The mist on the river is especially beautiful this morning, as if purposely providing the perfect backdrop for this incredibly special day. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, yet having all the kids here makes for an extremely euphoric day.

Alex has flown up from L.A. with his girlfriend for a few days. I am eternally grateful for this gesture as he has always been a city kid with an aversion to the country, yet as he gets older he appears to be growing into a sense of appreciation for diverse environments. Thankfully he has also matured to be hard working and grateful for the path he was provided.

Electra is doing great in her final year of college. After traveling the globe and working as a camp counselor for the Diabetic Youth Foundation she has amassed a well-traveled, eclectic group of friends. Ever since she was a kid she always and easily created friendships with a globally diverse group. I continue to be awestruck at her grace and sense of brilliancy at navigating her diabetes.

Lucy is finishing up her first semester of college, and appears to be navigating her freshman year with as much ease as she displayed in her previous years. School has always been a place where she knew just what to do and did it with all the precision and expertise as could be expected. I have always suspected that Lucy inherited her father's brain; with her intense focus and laser sharp perceptions I feel fairly indemnified in my assessment.

Steven and I have settled into a life that most would consider nothing less than idyllic. Every day I wake up grateful for having him by my side, and thankful for the environment we are able to call home. I look to the past with a heavy heart, pain and guilt, yet we came out the other side stronger than ever before. I have never taken for granted what a gift he has given me or what an amazing man he is. We have traveled the world, explored and experienced, yet get to settle in at the end of the day, together, on this beautiful land.

Somehow, with the kids out of the house and on their own, we have managed to stay busier than we ever dreamed, yet are filled with such joy at our endeavors. The ranch is flourishing and sustaining just as we had envisioned; orchard trees, full garden, chickens and cows. We have learned over the years how to live on the land and take pride in the process that creates this environment.

My days are spent gardening and tending to the ranch, painting and writing. I am still involved with various groups that support the care and cure for diabetes, whereas Steven is working with a group that educates individuals on conservation and the oil rationing that has recently been put into place. He remains on the Riverbed board of directors, and continues to work as a consultant for his last company which focuses on land conservation.

It's funny what they say about the more life changes... The kids have each come into their own, yet are still the beautiful, little beings that they always were. We continue living our lives and taking in new information, yet our world is changing, just as Steven predicted.

So today, as every day before it, I am thankful. Simply very, very thankful.

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

2012-01-22T23:01:00.000-08:00

I spent this weekend thinking about how life changes us, how opening up our hearts and our minds to new experiences and environments allows us to live a life full of rich possibilities. It is incredibly easy to create knee-jerk reactions to what we think we might want; to what we think we enjoy, yet without fully engaging in all situations do we truly get to participate in this ride called life. Or, maybe I'm just getting older and relishing in the idea of settling down and hibernating with my family in a pristine environment as we live and learn from the land that supports us.

"Change has a bad reputation in our society. But it isn't all bad - not by any means. In fact, change is necessary in life - to keep us moving... to keep us growing... to keep us interested... Imagine life without change. It would be static... boring... dull." (note: and, may the changes that I continue to make in my life always be hand in hand with Steven...).

moving forward

2012-01-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

On the eve of a new year, full of possibilities, I found this poster intriguing. How is it that we move forward and continue on our journey if the past continually becomes a road block? I am certainly guilty of putting that judgement on others and have been on the receiving end of it. I have mistakingly thrown it at my children more times than I care to admit, and have thrown it on myself in times of weakness.

"Personal change is a reflection of our inner growth and empowerment." With eyes forward, heart full of love, and intent on a better life, the past becomes just that. If others choose to take up residence in that faraway land all we can do is love them for who they are as we continue moving forward.

The world would be a very different place today if each individual who made mistakes or faced obstacles, simply gave up. So others may judge, but by doing so they miss the magic of new beginnings.

Life provides us with time to redirect the course we were placed on. It's never too late. Carpe diem and live where you may!

12 stupidly easy resolutions

2012-01-08T01:14:00.000-08:00

12 stupidly easy resolutions for the new year via sf gate columnist extraordinaire, Mark Morford.

extra moaning: express your joy and bliss.
wilder sighing: not the negative sighing, but the guttural, raw sighing as you thank the gods without saying a word.
truer breathing: being fully and exquisitely aware of how you're moving life force through your body.
gentler grip: forget social media, upsets and drama. soften the mad grip and realize the nature of consciousness in an ever fluxive cycle of expansion and contraction, over and over again. forever.
deeper penetration: penetration into meaning. penetration into source and consciousness. past the surface of things, deep into the forces that make it all go.
drink the awe: be aware of the 1,008 astonishing miracles banging around your life right this second if you were just able to realize their wobbly gifts. the infinite possibilities. what a thing. imagine.
invert the melancholy: be less jaded and weary. imagine the world as less corrupt. choose what you want, but see the naked silliness in putting a permanent pall on everything.
up the vibration: pump, kick and feed the pulse and join forces with the higher realms of consciousness.
down with zippers: enjoy a refreshingly filthy and delicious, respectful and educated, fearless and open-throated sexual awareness.
occupy heart space: take up residence in your own power center, feel around in the box of your own bullshit and shove out the demons of bitterness and fear.
appreciate appreciation: gratitude abounds. be more grateful for whatever it is you're grateful for.
ecstatic stillness: when you are awake and alive in your own body and life, when all senses are alive and the light illuminates everything to the point of absolute bursting, there is nothing else to want.

new years eve 2012

2011-12-31T23:28:00.000-08:00

It is New Years Eve and my head is full of heart and hope. This past year has provided a roller coaster of growth, strength, tenacity and perseverance, but it has also provided a few steps backward. Perfection is an ever elusive mirage. Thoughts bounced around my head the past 12 months, playing solitaire and games of illusions, so this year I thought it best to accept the truth, hard as it may be, and move on. Perhaps better than making up ideas of what was or could have been? I'm not sure the right answer but I do know that the truth brings an opportunity of processing and moving forward. The imagination is always more extreme than reality.

Resolutions, while rarely kept, are an attempt at change. My attempt this year is simply to move forward. One more day forward puts one more day of the past further in the distance. Perhaps the past will eventually become unrecognizable. Perhaps we will all become the people we were intended to be, without the challenges of outside forces.

For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
-T.S. Eliot

My goal for 2012: move forward. connect. heal.
Happy, happy, joy, joy. A new year awaits us...

happy birthday lucy!

2011-12-31T23:05:00.000-08:00

We just returned home after a long trip bouncing from Oakland to Las Vegas to Orange County. We were in Las Vegas celebrating Lucy's 8th year on this earth with no other than the Blue Man Group. It was, in a word, awesome. Unfortunately the experience was not all that it could have been since Steven and Electra were not with us, but we have plans to head back. It was too good not to enjoy together as a family.

For ninety entertaining minutes Lucy laughed, engaged, clapped and smiled. It was the best experience that a mother could witness, and it appeared to be the best gift an 8 year old could receive. Life has a tendency to make the every day mundane. It is moments such as these that stand out and make it all worthwhile as we realize how incredibly fortune we are to experience such fun and happiness.

Happy Birthday my sweet Lucy. If there is one thing I can wish for you it is that you take each day as it comes, enjoy each moment for what it's worth and always ask your daddy for the final answer to satisfy that ever inquiring brain of yours. I love you more than the moon, and the stars, and the sky.

game plan

2011-12-26T09:55:00.000-08:00

I recently listened to a talk by Matt Cutt titled "Try something new for 30 days." It got me thinking about the new year, resolutions and how we rarely keep our word on the changes we attempt each year end. Instead I thought I would set out to focus specifically on different themes for each month of 2012 by setting aside time each day for the study, practice and engagement of my pre-determined themes. While these are not "new" they are areas of my life that are important to me; where I would like more studied focus. Maybe, just maybe, I'll learn something while integrating more healthful habits in my life and the space for making them routine.

january: writing
february: finance
march: spanish
april: reading
may: art
june: steven
july: walking
august: photo
september: sketch
october: meditation
november: family
december: yoga

happy birthday electra

2011-12-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

Twelve years ago today I was in Toys-R-Us finishing up our Christmas shopping when I started having some rather striking pains. Focused on getting items crossed off my list I simply walked it off and kept shopping. Soon after I found my way to our bright yellow, soccer mom car that was purchased in preparation for the bundle about to arrive. My hair was not much different in color back then. I can remember occasional contractions kicking in as I drove down the freeway, lamaze breathes making their way from my lungs. Soon enough I was home and questioning if I was really heading toward labor or just experiencing false contractions.

By mid-afternoon Margaret stopped by to say hello and to this day remembers my nonchalant manner of saying that I was probably in labor. My guess is that indifference to labor is natures gift in getting you through the early stages before the real pain kicks in. We trick ourselves into believing that it's not so bad.

Steven arrived home late afternoon so that we could play the waiting game. I folded laundry, griped the washer with each contraction and then picked our conversation back up once it passed. Alex and Steven joked about their luck of xy chromosomes while watching me endure the progression of labor before it was evident that we needed to get to the hospital.

Little miss Electra, who was received her name months before, arrived just minutes after my arrival. Approximately 30 minutes, to be precise. She was beautiful and perfect and everything we had expected her to be. Just minutes after her birth the nurses were commenting on how much she looked like her dad. That has not changed in the least. With Christmas only 2 days away the doctors allowed us to take her home on Christmas Eve. Bundled in her red fleece jumper, and red and white striped hat that the hospital volunteers had knitted, she was the ultimate Christmas gift for us that year, and since.

Today I find her to be an amazingly cool kid. The kind of cool I could have only wished for when I was her age. She is kind, wise and amazingly strong and she inspires me each and every day. I am so incredibly proud to be her mom. Twelve years ago today was a perfect, perfect day.

I love you, Electra. Happy Birthday.

morning routine

2011-12-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

A step-by-step instructional guide for parents trying to get their type 1 child out the door each morning:

Wake up bleary-eyed after 12am, 2am, and 4am bg testings.
Stumble to Peets in sweatpants that have been selected as pajamas for their multitasking abilities.
Wake up kids.
Poke diabetic daughter’s finger, then realize you are out of test strips.
Go find test strips, re-poke finger. When reading comes back at 452 remember that you did not wash her hand first.
Get washcloth and go back to step 4, this time with test strips on hand.
Find previously purchased coffee and actually drink it.
Wake up youngest daughter, again.
Head downstairs to make breakfast. Crap! It’s Tuesday which means it’s pancake day. [note to self: simplify breakfast schedule.]
Cook pancakes which appear to be 1.5” in diameter. Box says 36 grams for 3-4” pancakes. Try to get foggy brain to accurately calculate carb count. Give up and use food scale.
Call kids down for breakfast.
Pour 2 glasses of milk for daughters.
Call kids down to breakfast, again.
Pour one glass of milk into measuring cup, adjust amount and pour back into glass.
Go upstairs and wake up kids for the third time.
Add up carbs in pancakes again since you’ve already forgotten the first calculation.
Look through cupboard, drawers, pantry and fridge in an attempt to throw together a healthy lunch.
Measure and weight all items entering lunch box for diabetic daughter.
Go to calorieking.com to for carb conversion of 93g of strawberries. Internet not working!
Go down to basement and reset all computer looking parts that have reset buttons in hope that internet will come back on.
Dog starts barking. Realize you forgot to let him out of his crate.
“Wait! Did you bolus for those pancakes? How many carbs did we say?”
Finally get kids headed to the shower so that you can have 5 minutes to check email before packing up lunches and backpacks.
Get kids in car and dropped off at school.
On drive home think about the quietness that awaits you.
Walk in door and find meter on kitchen table.
Back to school…
Eventually, after dropping off meter and, if there are no calls about low bg’s and “I’m out of glucose tablets” you might get that second cup of coffee afterall.

once upon a time

2011-12-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

Dear A, E, and L -
Once upon a time is a wonderful way to begin, but it's a fairy tale. While the idea of fairy tales are wonderful and worth a whirl, they are not real. Life happens. Mistakes happen. Perfection can often become an illusion. What is real, however, is love and learning. Friendships, connections, kindness. Meet someone who you find interesting; can talk to; and can learn from. Meet someone who is compassionate, and most importantly, when you make mistakes take the lesson. Own your part in the less than perfect moments that will inevitably occur. And, when you love someone, forgive them. No one is perfect, nor born to an even playing field. We are all doing the best that we can with what we've been given.

It is my hope that I can be an example to you. Learn from my mistakes. Ask me when you feel uncertain, for I can surely lead you through the missteps I have taken rather than allowing you to repeat them. Above all, know that I love you regardless of who you are, who you were or who you become. You are the flesh of my flesh and I will always be here for you.
With all my love,
Mom

giving thanks

2011-11-24T16:24:00.000-08:00

My kids are always asking me what my favorite holiday is, to which my consistent answer, regardless of how many times I am asked, is Thanksgiving. After the gasps of "What? Why?!" I reverse the inquiry and get the response you would expect from most kids, "Christmas and Halloween, and then my birthday." Holidays for children are the equivalent of a looting opportunity where you see individuals grabbing any and all items within arms reach simply because it's available. It's the chance to circle 42 pages of toys in the Sears catalog just because you can. You never know if this will be the year that Santa, Grandma Mildred or Uncle Joe decide to buy out the store and gift it all to you... As a kid you can dream big and hold tight to all possibilities.

For me, however, the possibilities lie within the magic that happens on Thanksgiving. It's a holiday that is simply about being together with family; appreciating one another without the stress and expectations of gift giving; cooking together, then enjoying a delicious meal and precious conversation. Time slows down and it becomes about togetherness and gratitude.

This year I am filled with love, appreciate and thankfulness for my family being together. Nothing is perfect yet, but is anything ever perfect? Instead, new memories are being made, beautiful scenery surrounds us and the clouds of possibility are thick in the air.

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy Thanksgiving.

powerful opportunities await you

2011-11-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

"Welcome those big, sticky, complicated problems. In them are your most powerful opportunities."

so...

2011-11-15T06:37:00.001-08:00

So you act, so you feel, so you are!"

mindfulness in the moment

2011-11-14T11:38:00.001-08:00

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." - James Dean

"Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved." - Marcus Antonious

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow." - Chinese Proverb

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

60 tips for a stunningly great life

2011-11-14T11:15:00.000-08:00

I came across an article by Robin Sharma on how to live a stunningly great life. I found his list to be profound, inspirational and worthy of following.

exercise daily
get serious about gratitude
see your work as craft
expect the best and prepare for the worst
keep a journal
read "The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin"
plan a schedule for your week
know the 5 highest priorities in your life
say no to distractions
drink a lot of water
improve your work every single day
get a mentor
hire a coach
get up at 5am each day
eat less food
find more heroes
be a hero to someone
smile at strangers
be the most ethical person you know
don't settle for anything less than excellence
savor life's simplest pleasures
save 10% of your income each month
spend time at art galleries
walk in the woods
write thank you letters to those who've helped you
forgive those who've wronged you
remember that leadership is about influence and impact, no titles and accolades
create unforgettable moments with those you love
have 5 great friends
become stunningly polite
unplug your tv
sell your tv
read daily
avoid the news
be content with what you have
pursue your dreams
be authentic
be passionate
say sorry when you know you should
never miss a moment to celebrate another
have a vision for your life
know your strengths
focus your mind on the good vs. the lack
be patient
don't give up
clean up your messes
use impeccable words
travel more
read "As you Think"
honor your parents
tip taxi drivers well
be a great teammate
give no energy to critics
spend time in the mountains
know your top 5 values
shift from being busy to achieving results
innovate and iterate
speak less. listen more.
be the best person you know
make your life matter

i am wonder woman

2011-11-07T07:49:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been feeling a bit like Wonder Woman, focusing on love and peace, while possessing super-stamina, super-agility, and a great pair of gams.

With my super-strength I am taking in the words of Tennesse Williams, "The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possibility to call the future. And the important thing is not to allow that to scare you," and the man who is a living legend of stamina and perseverance, Nelson Mandela, "It always seems impossible until it's done."

So today, I straighten my tiara and begin a new day of possibilities...

11 things to do with your extra hour

2011-11-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

loved this. borrowed from Mark Morford for this years daylight savings:

sip more slowly
savor more deeply
recline more languidly
sleep more universally
breathe more numinously
rub more euphorically
adjust more patiently
progress less furiously
penetrate more profoundly
realize less decisively
slink more gracefully

the plan, part 2

2011-11-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

madison: "for it is in giving that we receive." nothing could be more truthful. giving to ucsf has brought nothing but tears and warm, fuzzy feelings, in addition to many amazing connections to fellow type 1 families. the best part of the story is the day that we told electra about the clinic, explaining to her how important it was to help others when you were able, and the good that comes from such an endeavor. dr. adi involving electra has also engaged her in a way that we have not seen previously. there has been nothing but good that has come from the creation of the madison clinic, and if it were not for the hard work and big heart of one amazing man this would not be possible. thank you, steven.
engagement: "the greatest gift you can give another is the purity of engagement." The only thing I can add to this is that my life is incredibly different, and beyond happy, from allowing myself to engage in the world around me.
clarity: [insert Johnny Nash here]. The fog has lifted and my, what an amazing life surrounds me. I am one happy, lucky girl.
leadership: "if your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." if i can do this as a parent i can feel that i did an adequate job. lead by example...
attentiveness: "when you know better, you do better." attentiveness stems from many of the previous themes: engagement, clarity, mindfulness. being attentive allows for a new perspective, for learning, which in turn, allows you to do better. this i know for sure.
happiness: "...comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed." while life could be different, better, i have never been happier, which means a perfect life has the potential for true nirvana.
love: "being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." john denver's annie's song incapsulates my thoughts of love and the person i love most...
contentment: engagement + attentiveness + happiness + commitment + mindfulness + love + family = a complete sense of contentment
steven: "god only knows what i'd be without you." grow old with me. the best is yet to come.

in her shoes

2011-10-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

draft two.

It was an early Saturday morning after pleading with her the night before to let me take her in. I was still running on adrenaline after spending weeks with a dear friend who was not only battling cancer, but had just undergone heart surgery the night before. I was not quite awake yet wired from the stress and uncertainty of what was happening around me. Like a quiet tip-toe through the night she was slowly fading, twenty-two pounds gone and she only weighed sixty-two to begin with. Day by day over the course of a week I watched as she morphed into an emaciated child without a complaint. Asymptomatic but the look in her eyes told me otherwise.

Determined not to go in the night before she asked if she could sleep in bed with me so Steven agreed to sleep in the guest room. Steven, as worried as I, was so quietly strong about what was happening. At six a.m. she woke with a jolt and ran to the bathroom to release the water that was making it’s way up. It only took a moment for me to compose myself while grabbing a pillow and blanket and telling her we were going. She was not happy with the news that I intended to drive to Walnut Creek rather than head to the local children’s hospital, but I knew that we would get in immediately, and I was correct. Two minutes and we were in a room, nurse on hand, thermometer at the ready. Tongue thrush. Never had I heard of such a thing, nor witnessed anything similar. Her tongue was that kelly green color that you find on fake grass, which is usually home to flamingos that are equally brilliant in color.

I texted Steven the tongue thrush diagnosis and in what felt like a nanosecond, he responded with the fatal diagnosis we would soon hear from the doctors, “fuck. I think she has diabetes.” Steven’s intuitive nature, matched with his computer skills, found that tongue thrush typically only occurs in patients with AIDS, cancer or diabetes. By processes of probabilities, he concluded correctly. I will never forget that moment, reading those words. I had no idea what diabetes was or what it meant, but in that moment if felt like a death sentence. It felt like the life changing moment that it was. Steven’s text temporarily slowed down time and fogged over all sense of cognizance. Once I was able to get my thought process in order, while trying to stay composed, I told her that I needed to use the bathroom. In reality I needed an escape to cry and call Steven to ask what it all meant. My immediate response was that we would be a family that rallied together and if she couldn’t eat sugar then none of us would eat sugar.

I look back now at my extremely naïve response and understand how much I would learn, but did not realize at the time. Diabetes is about so much more than sugar, but rather about carbohydrates and the way that the body’s immune system attacks and destroys certain cells in the pancreas, and how the lack of those cells means the lack of insulin for breaking down glucose in the system. With the diagnosis of diabetes I did not realize without insulin, without glucose breaking down, all of her organs would be damaged which would then be deadly. In that moment I only had fear, uncertainty and sugar on my mind.

The hardest part of that morning was watching her slow realization, followed by tears as the doctors explained to her that she had a disease that would be with her for life and that she would need insulin to stay alive. My heart broke into a million pieces as she stoically took in the news and then, after the doctor left, told me that all she wanted for her birthday as to not have diabetes. I would have bought and sold the world to make it happen.

We’ve come a long way since that day. She has become my silent hero as she gets through each day, challenged with a condition that so few of us will ever understand. She has found strength, humor and an awareness that I am in awe of, and despite my moderate knowledge of this insidious disease I will never fully know what it’s like to wake up each day in her shoes. Instead I will buy, shine and put those shoes on a pedestal with a deep sense of admiration.

the plan, part 1

2011-10-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

mindfulness: it's ironic that only when you discover mindfulness do you realize how unaware you were previously. that is my story. i was not tuned in to the daily nuances that make life so incredibly glorious. slowing down, being mindful and engaged has allowed me to take in many moments that i sadly overlooked before. each day lies in wait for us to recognize the magic.
sobriety: my less than better moments have been my less than sober ones. clarity through a sober experience allows me to be a better wife, mother, lover, friend. the possibilities are endless. the true gift is understanding that amazing experiences can still exist with the absence of excess.
family: my father-in-law, a man who exemplifies morality and integrity, while having done an amazing job of passing on those traits to his son, once told me "family first, friends second, and all others after that." need i say more? my husband and children are the core of my life and the end-all of what is important in life. while friends are good to have, there is no equivalent to the greater good that comes from having the amazing family that i have been given.
friends: see aforementioned entry. second on the list of what is important is friends. i have come to recognize that previously i took to learning things the hard way, but i am learning. simply put, you are who you choose to surround yourself with. similar to a quote i recently read "the happiness of your life depends on your thoughts" i would continue with the quality of your life depends on your friends. i am thankful to have my husband by my side and a growing group of quality people to call friends.
compassion: it is through mindfulness and love that we are able to find compassion. "in compassion lies the world's true strength." taking a moment to turn the lense outward, appreciating what another has experienced, while taking ownership for my actions, has allowed me to find a sense of compassion that was not previously present.
health: the buddha said it best, "health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."
dedication: "dreams and dedication are a powerful combination." my dream involves all of the above themes; mindfulness, sobriety, family, friends, compassion and health, but also those that have yet to make their way, such as Steven, love and commitment. i want to dedicate my life to this combination, because the power lies in our ability to "have a good one."
commitment: like compassion and dedication, without mindfulness there is no foundation for staying committed. it took me opening my eyes to reality and becoming fully engaged to realize the magnitude of what commitment means. The fog has lifted and the kool-aid has passed. With pinky promises in place, I am fully committed until the sun no longer sets. i cannot imagine my life differently than with the amazing person who exemplifies the core definition of commitment. Being lucky does not begin to define it...
work: "coming together is a beginning. keeping together is progress. working together is success." anything worth having is worth working for, and it is often a process. we try and stumble and learn and try again. eventually, with any hope, the work pays off. i keep working, appreciative of being together, with the plan in mind to stay together forever. I accept that I will stumble and make mistakes, but for the sake of success I will never stop working or taking in the lessons that come my way.

together

2011-10-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

she has become you

you become she

together, in the same place

how happy they'll be

so, she waits...

turning back the clock

2011-10-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

There are times when a song, with a slight change of the lyrics, feels like a biography. This might be that song...
If I Could Turn Back Time

the start of something good

2011-10-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

We recently celebrated the start of a beautiful journey. Together, with many friends, family and colleagues Steven and I celebrated the Madison Clinic for Pediatric Diabetes at UCSF, which on November 1st will open it's doors and begin a legacy of serving hundreds of families dealing with diabetes.

The night began with Steven explaining diabetes, how parents deal with the disease and the trials that come with it. I followed by describing the steps we took to find Dr. Saleh Adi and the miraculous change that has come to our family since, while Dr. Stephen Gitelman discussed research and the future of diabetes. Dr. Adi talked about his vision for the clinic and in his amazingly empathetic way shared what it's like from his side to watch families struggle with diagnosis and then eventually ease into the normalcy that silently comes without notice when you are too busy counting carbs.

Before the amazingly fun Suite Love Express took the stage Steven explained how the name of the clinic came to be, Madison being Electra's middle name. Steven was so incredibly elegant when we initially explained the clinic to Electra, telling her how important it was to us to help Dr. Adi realize his vision, and the good feeling that comes from helping others when it's possible. Throughout the conversation she sat silently nodding with a grin on her face, but when the mention of the name was explained she broke out in a sob. There was a moment of silent confusion before I asked if those were happy or sad tears. Turns out they were tears of joy as she ecstatically, yet without words, gave her approval for what is bound to become a historical moment in the advancement of pediatric diabetes treatment for thousands of families along the west coast.

It is with gratitude, pride and a general sense of awe that I thank my husband for this opportunity, not only for ourselves, and Dr. Adi, but for so many others. Steven's dedication, hard work and intellectual perseverance that contributed to the success of Riverbed has provided the financial means to make this clinic a reality, but it takes more than an inflated bank account. There are thousands upon millions of individuals in the world who have the financial means to reach out to others, but it takes a truly unique individual to step up to the plate, and without Steven's generous heart none of this would have been possible.

Muchas gracias, mi amor. The world, and our family, is better and stronger because of you.

the strength of a child's hand

2011-10-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

Lucy has been going through a fearful phase lately. As the pinks and golds fall upon the horizon she has taken to turning on nearly every single light in the house, closets included. We keep waiting for this phase to pass, yet months after her viewing of Edward Scissorhands, which is what set this routine in motion, the switches keep coming on. I'm almost certain that PG&E will be sending us a holiday card this year. In addition to being the brightest house on the street Lucy has not only set up camp on our bedroom floor, but has also become my shadow, running behind me from one room to the next, never wanting to be left alone for a single second. There are days when this can get a bit tedious, but then in the quiet moments, the tenderness of it all becomes evident. "Daddy can you hold my hand", "Mommy, where are you going? Can you stay here with me?" These are the moments we will long for and find nostalgic when she becomes the self-sufficient and independent being she is sure to become. As I hold her hand and read to her each night I find myself in awe of her beauty and honest admission of simply being afraid. If we could all admit our fears so easily the world would be a very different place.

So, what are your fears? I know mine and the thought of losing each or any one of them could easily send me racing for the nearest light switch.

The Madison Clinic for Pediatric Diabetes at UCSF

2011-08-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I wrote about our amazing endocrinologist, and Why the World Needs a Dr. Adi. I wrote of our goal and our dream that Dr. Adi have the ability to share his vision with other families. That dream has become a reality with the creation of the Madison Clinic for Pediatric Diabetes at UCSF.

The Madison Clinic for Pediatric Diabetes at UCSF will provide state of the art care for children and young adults with diabetes through individualized and comprehensive management with emphasis on education, outreach, and the use of advanced technologies, as well as a commitment to advancing research to help generate new treatments to improve the quality of life for our young patients. As explained by Dr. Saleh Adi, M.D., Director of the Madison Clinic, "Diabetes in children is a unique medical condition. It is a lifelong and relentless condition that requires continuous, ongoing attention and management every minute of the day. There is no break from diabetes."

In order to fully realize Dr. Adi's vision the clinic must raise an additional $5 million. Every dollar given to pediatric diabetes at UCSF will be matched two-to-one from the $10 million Madison Clinic Fund, thereby tripling the power of any charitable donation.

Please help the Madison Clinic to:

provide individualized and comprehensive care for children and young adults with diabetes
develop a comprehensive program to facilitate the challenging transition from childhood to adulthood with diabetes
expand our administrative staff to provide personal attention to each family, assist patients in navigating the system to gain direct access to clinicians, and obtain all the supplies and resources our families may need
develop a comprehensive education curriculum for patients, families, and all care givers, including school teachers and coaches
create a dedicated space for the Madison Clinic, with expanded clinic sessions Monday through Friday
establish satellite clinics in outlying communities throughout Northern California and an advanced telemedicine system to reach patients in the neighboring states and eventually in remote third world countries

The leadership of the Madison Clinic will be directed by Saleh Adi, MD, Associate Professor of Pediatrics, in collaboration with Stephen Gitelman, MD, Director of the UCSF Pediatric Diabetes Program, Professor of Pediatrics and the Mary B. Olney, MD / KAK Chair in Pediatric Diabetes and Clinic Research.

An executive board will include Donna Ferriero, MD, Chair of the Department of Pediatric and Physician-in-Chief of UCSF Benioff Children's Hospital, Scott Soifer, MD, Vice Chair, Clinical Affairs, Department of Pediatrics, Kim Scurr, RN, Interim Executive Director, Benioff Children's Hospital, and others.

Please consider making a donation to the Madison Clinic for Pediatric Diabetes at UCSF to allow dreams to become a reality.

never built in a day

2011-08-04T14:24:00.000-07:00

As Alex and I tour the wondrous city of Rome and the many layers that exist below ground I have come to fully comprehend the complexity and truth of the phrase "Rome was not built in a day." It made me realize that Rome is quite similar to my family, an ever evolving and strengthening phenomenon.

Back in the day Rome was home to dictators, fascists, gladiators, popes, saints, artists... the list goes on. Each had their own hand in the creation of this complex landscape, and despite the various backgrounds and flavors of each individual, the city came together through it all. Just as my family has come together despite the odds.

I would like to think that just as a tree has story-holding rings, we too have a mark of our lineage that tells our story and of our longevity, as Rome exhibits through the layers of buildings and churches built upon buildings and churches. It's an ever complex and textured state, and without, life might be rather boring. So in the moment, I would like to honor my family for it's strength, dignity, grace and fortitude and one day, with any hope, it too shall become a historic entity to be honored and preserved.

gratitude

2011-05-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

He sleeps. Quietly. Peaceful. I look on, my heart filled with love and gratitude at his amazing sense of integrity. I feel so incredibly blessed at his perseverance and patience in giving me another chance to make things right. For him. For us. And, most importantly, for our family. I catch my breath in thinking of his strength in navigating the course I have put him through this past year. I catch my breath in thinking of the amazing life we had, we have and will continue to experience. He inspires me and gives me strength in understanding what an amazing situation we have. Day after day, I know who I want to turn to when the sun sets. Day after day, I know who's pillow I want to rest my weary head upon, and day after day, I will forever love this amazing man who loves me in spite of who I have been.

life Is Not Perfect

2011-05-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

Life is not perfect, but most of the time it's pretty close to good enough. Actually, most of the time it's close enough to perfect but we fail to see it. There were so many years that I struggled to see the perfection in what was right before my eyes. Try as I might, I struggled to find validity in the perfection of my family.

Yet today I have come to realize that none of us are perfect. None of us will get it right 100% of the time, but if we have the will and desire to learn, change and grow then there is a possibility for dialogue. There is the possibility to learn and grow.

If I can leave one legacy, one lesson behind for my children it is this: Do not strive to be perfect, for none of us can achieve such high standards. Instead, strive to be authentic. Strive to be the best you can be with what you have to work with. When you don't know the answer, ask. When you need help, ask for it. Do not play solitaire in your head, for that is what drove me down a very wrong path for many years. It is better to face your fears and risk playing the fool than to play a quiet game of solitaire in your head while assuming answers that are unlikely to arrive.

Life is not perfect, but only you can control your reaction to how it all plays out.

dia de la madre

2011-05-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day. An event that, according to Wikipedia, was first created as the "Mother's Day Proclamation" back in the late 19th century in reaction to women interested in shaping their society and bring forth positive change. By 1914 it became a U.S. holiday, and within only 6 years, it took on the commercialized level that we continue to see today.

None of that really matters, except that it provides me the opportunity to relish in my children's creativity and tenderness, as specifically exhibited by seven-year-old Lucy. After waking early, fighting back sniffles and tears from her insistent allergies, she told me to sit down. "I'm making you breakfast." I then received sliced bananas, a toasted bagel with butter, a handmade card and bead necklace. It was the perfect moment. One that, years from now, I'll wish that I could have frozen and replayed again and again. Then to see the delighted giggles that escaped her as I sat with tears falling down my face as she asked"Are you cryyyyying?" Yes. I was crying. These are the moments that balance out the less desirable ones and carry us through life.

My day only got better as Electra gave me an art piece that she created, and Alex, a unique gift of antique photographs. The day had it's challenges, as any day with three bountiful, creative and wondrous children might have, but it's all part of the package; part of the beauty that is created by these children. The gifts, the banana, the bagel, my family... what more could a mother really ask for? Except Steven being home with us! (we miss you.)

Why the World Needs a Dr. Adi

2011-04-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

There are many dates that become indelible on our personal history; first kiss, first love, first child... and there are others that forever change what you thought you knew or expected. December 6, 2009 was that date for me. That particular point in time, I would later learn, is now referred to as Electra's date of diagnosis. T1 diabetes diagnosis.

Feeling that I had been hit with a ton of bricks mixed with terror, confusion, and vulnerability our family was quickly thrown into an ocean of blood sugar levels, carb counting, and insulin doses complete with syringes and shots and nightly worries. Our normal became readjusted to the new normal. Photographs were viewed as before and after.

It would take many months of working through our new system to realize that perhaps there was more to be gained from our current way of managing this insidious disease. Could there possibly be another option to blindly stumbling from one check up to another without fully comprehending the system?

After following the breadcrumbs like Hansel and Gretel, from Berkeley to Boston to Denver to Stanford, we found the motherlode at UCSF. It was on Electra's birthday, December 23, 2010, at 10:24am, when I sent my first email seeking an "immersive educational program for our 11 year old daughter." I received a response from an administrator explaining that the clinic would be closed for the holidays, but that she would forward the "request to Dr. Adi, although he is currently away." By 12:02pm I received a reply from the previously said absent Director of Pediatric Diabetes Services explaining that my note hit a sensitive chord and that he would get us in for an appointment once he returned.

It is only now, as I sit basking in the security of Dr. Adi managing Electra's health, that I realize that he was the best birthday gift Electra could have received on her 11th year. By January 10th we had an appointment to meet Dr. Adi and see the UCSF clinic. It was during this meeting that my tears of relief surfaced, and those tears continue to come every time I'm in the room with this amazing man. By the following day, 1.11.11, Electra had her first appointment and the rest is wonderfully, blissful history. From the moment that she was told that she did not have to conform to a set number of carbs per meal Electra has been an Adi fan since.

The whole psychology of managing Electra's diabetes has shifted since switching her care to UCSF. Rather than living her life around diabetes she now has the freedom to live her life as she chooses while balancing diabetes to her preference. Additionally, when we explained to Dr. Adi how we really felt that Electra was not taking her responsibilities seriously, and needed to learn to manage her diabetes, we were quickly corrected that "No! she's a kid and should be allowed to be a kid. You are the parent. You manage the diabetes." More tears of relief, and more lessons learned. From that moment forward I have felt that Dr. Adi should be shared with the world. Everyone should have a Dr. Adi and have the ability to learn from him as we have.

It is our goal and our dream that Dr. Adi have the ability to share his vision with other families, and that dream will soon become a reality with the creation of the Madison Clinic. More details to come, but in the meantime I am grateful every day for what we have found in our own Dr. Adi.

the luckiest girl

2011-01-28T15:28:00.000-08:00

They say that luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity, yet lately I've been thinking of luck in much more specific terms. Such as, "I am the luckiest girl in the world," which I have found to be true. Tennessee Williams believed that luck is believing you're lucky, and I couldn't agree more. It's akin to taking off the bottle-thick glasses that always made the world look a little fuzzy and finding a background straight out of the Sound of Music. Hills alive, green grasses with a radiantly warm sun blanketing the experience.

My luck is built upon an awakening of my senses, to reality, to a love that existed, but was asleep at the wheel. So with a deep cleansing breath and a focus on intention, I am knee deep in appreciation for being the luckiest girl in the world.

luck is: spaghetti on the ceiling . the wedding singer . love and wine in front of the fire . martini's and hot tub parties . patsy cline . roses and candle lit dinners . beautiful boy . noahs and peets and sunday morning house tours . kiss me . bay meadows and shopping . beautiful daughter . yellow cars and yellow jackets . key west with blue toes . fastforward . love and vows upon the steps . delish in hawaii . awani and pearls . fireworks and buggleduns . secret getaways to catalina . anniversary yellow jeep . coronado and vegas . our own little cabin . nbt - rvbd . attic and remodels . beautiful daughter . easters and pumpkins and christmas piano playing . acoustic bass . hawaii, hawaii, jamaica, belize . almanor, burney, and at last fall river . sonnet 119 . and so much more . but the most important luck is... seeing how wrong i was . waking up . second chances . vowing to never let love slide to a place of deprivation again . getting the opportunity to spend each waking day loving and appreciating the man of my dreams . my beautiful children . the dawn of a brand new day . more strong . far greater. what a lucky girl am i.

the power of teamwork

2011-01-20T21:38:00.000-08:00

individually we are a drop. together we are an ocean.

It's a new year and as I work on the new 2.0 version of myself I am pleasantly blessed with a fresh perspective on teamwork. Not the teams that I struggled with as a kid because I was terrible at softball, or the ones that thrived when I was passionate about volleyball. This is teamwork that comes from love, compassion, spirituality and pure parental instincts. Coming together for the greater good of my family has become a force taking on a life of its own. The good feeds the momentum that feeds the perseverance that smooths the ride.

The proudest moment for me in working as a team has been supporting Electra with her diabetes. It is with hope that with the support of her family she won't feel that she's going through this experience alone as she endures some of the yuckier parts of this insidious disease. In just a few weeks time, as a family, we will be attending our first diabetes camp. Previously we gave Electra the option of attending, and the answer was always no. This time it was not presented as an option, but rather a rally call that "yes! we are going to camp as a family!" The enthusiasm is still not there, but perhaps with time and a few moments around the campfire she won't find it so bad afterall. And in the end, there will always be the family memories.

So as I remind my children to cross their t's, dot their i's and say their thank yous, I need to provide an equal amount of energy into teaching them the significance of teamwork. It took me many, many years to learn the importance of asking for help when you need it, while compassionately returning the favor to others. In the end, when we work together we become a powerful force, just like the ocean.

intentions for the new year

2011-01-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

Today, as they say, is the first day of the rest of our lives. I am equally enthusiastic and in awe of the possibilities that await me in 2011. The past year has been less than perfect, and near it's end, I was awakened to many new perspectives that will carry me forth on a new path for the rest of my life. The tragedy that came from gaining this new vantage point was hurting many dear souls as I stumbled to my feet. My beautiful family, whom I love more than I could ever adequately express, had to endure the blindness that I experienced. Yet today, with eyes wide open, I am focused on moving forward.

So beginning now, on this first day of 2011, I am putting forth my list for the year.

a daily practice of metta
engage, engage, engage
love and protect my family against all storms
remember the greater good while supporting the team
increase my time loving, learning, reading, cooking
weekly date nights with my husband
enjoy the simple moments
laugh often

le vie est belle!

bittersweet moments

2010-05-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

My children are growing up and with this maturity I am finding myself teary eyed with each bittersweet moment. I am amazingly proud, yet prematurely nostalgic. They are each hitting milestones that I know will one day be memories I look back on fondly, wishing they were yesterday.

Alex is carving out his path for college. Preparing for SAT's, looking into colleges and basically just trying to figure out what it is he wants to do. I look at him, while understanding the circumstances he has faced growing up, and am so incredibly proud of the person he is becoming. I have faith that he will continue to grow into the man he is meant to be.

Electra is exemplifying to me how strong one person can be in the face of adversity. Despite some difficult moments here and there, she is so incredibly resilient. I cannot say enough about how proud I am of her handling things as she has, and often feel that she is stronger than I. There are many days when I am mad, and sorrowful, and just want to change the world for her, but I can't. That's the hardest part of it all. What I can do is be there for her, and after the amazing Mother's Day card she made me I am hopeful that she knows she will never go through this alone.

And Lucy. After days of apprehension she succeeded at learning to ride a two wheel bike. May 15, 2010 to be exact. It was one of the best days of my life watching her just soar after finally getting it down. As I ran beside her, up and down the street, holding her up when she needed it and letting go when she had her balance, I realized that learning to ride a bike is a lot like life. At first, we need to get our balance, and need someone to lean on, but eventually it gets easier. I am absolutely filled with pride watching Lucy ride her bike, and thrilled at seeing the pride she has in herself.

This is where those bittersweet moments commence. Suddenly, the pride I have in watching them succeed shifts toward missing them already. They don't need me quite as much while rolling their eyes at my suggestions and remarks, yet somehow I suspect, we will continue to need each other, but in new ways as the years go by. Ahhh, those bittersweet moments. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

whatever you can do...

2010-05-11T22:23:00.001-07:00

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
This is my favorite quote of all time. It has such wimsical intrigue and gives a sense that anything is possible. While I have not always believed in myself or believed that anything is possible, with age and motherhood, have come to have more faith in myself and realize that you can often get through far more than you give yourself credit for. There comes a point when you are proud of the battle wounds and scar tissue, for there are lessons and life experience that come with each.

It is my hope that my children leap to the farthest boundaries of their desires. It is my hope that they shoot for the stars and leap blindly toward their passions. Whether they succeed or not, my wish is that they try, for just as Goethe stated, there is genius, power and magic in the attempt alone. And, should they fall, I will be there to catch them, arms open wide.

the most beautiful woman

2010-05-09T00:09:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and today I am missing my grandmother more than ever. Tonight, as I dressed for an event I was to attend I noticed the varicose veins on my legs, the sun spots on my hands, and the stretch marks that have found their way to my derriere three kids later. Yet, rather than being upset by these signs of aging I found a sense of pride in the characteristics that make me who I am. These characteristics are what tie me to my grandmother. She, too, had varicose veins and age spotted hands, yet was the most beautiful woman I've ever known.

I see the women of my generation going to extreme measures to retain a false sense of youth, yet where is the heart, soul and character of staying young forever? There is such a richness in owning up to our faults, accepting our destiny and just embracing the lives we were meant to live without cutting ourselves to bits to look like something we are not. My grandmother, the most beautiful woman I've known, was beautiful because of who she was, not because of how she looked, though I admit she was a bit of a looker, as well. She simply exemplified the strength that gives a woman her beauty, in addition to a pretty wicked sense of humor to boot. A sense of humor, a fierce instinct to protect your family, a strong moral compass and heart of gold. These are the traits that make a beautiful woman. Somehow along the way we have mixed up our priorities and proceeded to set a terrible example for our future generations.

So to my daughters, on this Mother's Day Eve, you are beautiful because you have the hands and heart of your great grandmother. You don't ever have to change beyond who you are. You are perfect just as you are. And to my son, please remember to look beyond the superficial. Looks will come and go, but the character and soul of an individual is forever. Let the inner beauty of your friends and partners be the deciding factors. I love all of you, not for how you look, but for who you are. You are absolutely beautiful just as you are. Just as Grandma Two Dogs was. Beautiful.

my kids rock

2010-05-06T23:36:00.000-07:00

I just got home from the Notes and Words fundraiser, an event of musicians and writers on stage together to benefit Children's Hospital Oakland. It was an incredibly inspiring evening with many tears shed, many of them my own. I have openly said that I am forever indebted to CHO after Electra was diagnosed with T1 Diabetes 5 months ago... today. It has only been 5 months, yet it feels like a lifetime. Testing, insulin, shots, glucose, carbs, needles, emotions, apologies, tears. It's a new process that we are still adjusting to.

Nights have gone by that have consisted of complaints and rebelliousness against the process, yet despite it all we have persevered. One particular night Electra locked herself in the bathroom, refusing to test which led to her refusing to eat. A discussion ensued between Steve and I in which I explained that Electra was not embracing her diabetes, but by the end of the conversation I realized that it is me who has not fully embraced her diagnosis.

As a mother you want to feel that you are doing everything in your power to protect your child from harm, hurt or discomfort. Diabetes is something that I can't fix, and as much as I convince Electra that everyone has something to deal with, that there are many things that could be worse, the truth is that I am sad, and mad, and I don't know what. It simply breaks my heart every time I see her having to sacrifice her food choices, as she tries so hard to keep her secret from her classmates, and as she rises to the occasion every single day by receiving her shots so valiantly. For a lack of a better description, it just sucks. As her mother I want to stop it all. I want to take her shots for her. I want to make the diabetes go away. I want to protect her from any problems and hurts that may arise in the future. These protective instincts are not just reserved for Electra, they are for all of my children. I love my kids more than anything in this world and my whole life is about protecting them and making them become the individuals they were meant to become.

Being at this fundraiser tonight, and hearing what other families are facing makes me appreciate that we are only dealing with diabetes, but it still doesn't take away the unfairness of it all. At the end of the day it is me who has not yet embraced this diagnosis. At the end of the day it is me who needs to set the example for Electra to make her realize what strengths can come from her situation. She is, as all of my children are, my hero. Everyday I am amazed at their characters and personalities. At their strengths and perseverance. They never cease to amaze me. My kids rock!

change

2010-04-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, is it the only thing that ever has.”

- Margaret Mead

I love this quote. It gives me hope and makes me believe in the power of change. On this day, Earth Day, it provides a bit of promise that the small groups of the world might eventually overtake the masses and help us fumble our way out the mess that we have created for future generations.

I believe that the phenomenon works equally well on a personal level. Change can be hard, but with small steps, a strong support system and a firm belief in doing the right thing we can find our path, and in the end find inner peace.

No matter where my path takes me, no matter how our earth evolves, and regardless of the circumstance that may befall my family, I am confident that as a small, thoughtful group we will always be able to weather the storm. I love my children "more then the moon, and the stars, and the sky" and that love will forever allow me to change the world, even if it's only my own.

making the most of the moment

2010-02-19T07:51:00.001-08:00

Our family has had the incredible opportunity of visiting Belize for the past five days, arriving in Placencia, a narrow strip of peninsula in the Stann Creek district, on a small 12 seater plane. The sight of the plane brought a mixture of fear and adventure, and while we settled in and eventually got off the ground we were able to actually enjoy the beautiful views that Belize provides, miles and miles of lush tropics with the bluest oceans I have ever seen. Unfortunately the weather has not been quite so cooperative the entire time, yet we have still had some once in a lifetime experiences; observing howler monkeys in the rain forest area of Monkey River, spotting crocodiles, tucans, bats and birds, and visiting the Mayan Ruins after driving through several smaller villages along the way.

I think one of the most educational aspects of our trip has been the process of slowing down to reevaluate the way in which we spend our days. The culture in Belize is so laid back compared to the consumeristic and always going American ways. Descriptives such as "it's all good" and "no problem" easily flow into casual conversations. There is a simplicity in the way people live, not necessarily rich in material goods, yet rich in appreciating family and what they do have. There is definitely a lesson to take away with us as we head home tomorrow. By observing how happy people are with so little, we need to start appreciating what we do have. Each other; a great family with great family moments. I am incredibly grateful to my husband for providing for our family and creating the opportunity for our children to see the world while hopefully having a better sense of humanity and cultural differences. My intention is go home with a reminder to just slow down and appreciate all that I have just a little bit more. "It's all good."

what you can handle

2010-01-26T19:54:00.001-08:00

My grandmother used to say that you got what you can handle. Perhaps. Though valid or not, it has provided me with an inner strength to keep on going in times of adversity. My grandmother's words have carried me through the past month in spite of the moments when I questioned myself and questioned the way that life often unravels. Another quip from the woman who I found to be wise beyond her training was to love absolutely everything that happens in your life. This one has been a larger pill to swallow, but in the end, she's right. It sort of plays into that whole theory of making lemonade out of lemons. I have found that sometimes you just get through unimaginable situations and in the end, by embracing the experience, you can find the good, and the strength, and the love that comes from dealing with the unknown. In the end, it provides a startling perspective that things really aren't as bad as it could be.

The situation in Haiti has provided me with that perspective. Noted as the worst earthquake in 200 years the 7.0 destroyer hit near the Caribbean city of Port-au-Prince. It is estimated that approximately 200,000 people lost their lives in the disaster with a million more that are now homeless. As a mother of three, one of which is medically dependent, I cannot fathom what these families are going through. Their loss has provided me with a heart wrenching contrast to how simple my life actually is. Yes, I wish I could change a few situations, but in the end, we should love and embrace what we have. This is where I understand my grandmother's idea of loving what happens in our life, for we have little understanding of the alternative possibilities. Yet, getting what you can handle? This doesn't fit quite as gracefully when I see what is happening to the Haitian families begging for basic necessities. What is happening in Haiti leaves me completely speechless and thinking that maybe I can actually handle the rather trivial aspects of my own life. And, just as Lucy was so excited about the loss of her latest tooth, perhaps I too should be a bit more excited about the changes that come my way.

here's to 2010

2009-12-31T23:36:00.000-08:00

We are on the verge of a brand new year. It is 11:38pm on the last day of 2009 and here I sit, with Electra, waiting for the fireworks to commence, which is a bit of deja vu. Every year it seems to be the same. Alex is with his dad. Steve and Lucy are zonked out as Electra and I stay up waiting for the ball to drop. Tonight we are splurging. I am sipping some Trader Joe's form of champagne while Electra, who planned ahead with her carb count, is enjoying sparkling apple cider. I can remember many a days back when I loved the idea of getting all dolled up to head out to celebrate the turning of the clock, yet tonight I could not be more content staying home, chillin' with the family and ringing in the new year with Electra. After what we have been through the past few months, Annie still in the hospital and Electra so bravely dealing with her new situation, I feel nothing but fortunate to be able to spend time with my family even if half of them are asleep!

Speaking of asleep, as I write this Electra and I seem to have woken up Steven, once again, despite our attempts at whispers and hand signals. Somehow Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve doesn't wake him, yet the silent communication between Electra and I does. Go figure. That's the quirkiness of my family. Happy New Year!

happy birthday my sweet girls

2009-12-24T23:37:00.000-08:00

We are celebrating in the McCanne-White household. Birthdays galore. Holidays. Health. Life. We recently went through a very major road bump with Electra and came out on the other side stronger than we went in. I could not have been more proud of the love and solidarity our family showed in coming together to support her. Together, I truly believe that we could survive whatever is thrown at us. We have a new normal that we are dealing with, yet we are all adjusting. And Electra has shown herself to be an incredibly dignified and strong young lady. Truthfully, I could not be prouder of any of my children for how they have handled this whole situation. And I am proud of my family. I am proud to know that we have the capacity to come together and support one another in a time of need. Life is hectic, yes. But life could not be better. I could not love my husband or children more than I do. So on this Christmas Eve of 2009 I just want to tell my family, thank you. Thank you for loving and supporting one another as you have, and to tell you, I will always be here for you. Thick and Thin. Merry Christmas.

we love you Annie!

2009-12-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to begin this post. I don't know to whom it should be directed. All I know is that it is 12:30 a.m. and I can't sleep because the beautiful lady shown above is in an extremely precarious situation. After 11 days in the ICU she will undergo heart surgery with less than 50/50 odds of surviving. This lovely lady has been with me from the beginning with all three of my children, at every holiday, birthday and special event. She is a part of my family. A part of my life. She is my sister. Auntie Annie to my children. A free spirit who has shown her amazing strength and humor through this entire ordeal while always asking "How are the kids" every time I'd come to see her. There are simply no words at this moment other than, "We love you, Pea!" and we'll be here when you make it through. xo

smells like teen spirit

2009-11-17T16:13:00.000-08:00

It's only Tuesday and it has already been a hard week. Having a teenager, hard. It's a vicious circle that I find myself in. I want the best for my son, for all of my children, and try to encourage them to do their best yet that discussion always comes across as me nagging. The conversations never play out as smoothly and perfectly as they do in my mind. Instead, I get frustrated and then the teenager shuts down and doesn't want to talk to me. Today was a bad one. Without getting into the details of our tiff I can admit that I even managed to burn rubber in my hybrid after dropping him at school. If you have ever driven a hybrid you will appreciate this one. Simply put I was mad. I was frustrated. And, I was hurt.

I would like to say that I rose to occasion and let it pass, but I didn't. Instead I reacted by calling his biological father crying and asking if he would be up for the teenager to come live with him. I had had enough of the lack of respect toward myself and my husband. I had had enough of him not trying hard enough in school. I had just had enough. Period. Of course, in reality it would tear my heart out if that actually happened. Well, hours later I was riddled with guilt. The teenager called me during his lunch break to apologize. Suddenly I felt guilty about the ear full that he was going to get from his dad. Granted, he does need a talk, but not a lecture which is what I'm afraid he's going to get. The teenager and I have always had such a good bond of keeping things between us and this time I broke outside of that bond. Maybe it's not a bad thing, but all day I have been feeling as if I broke our unspoken code of secrecy. Perhaps it was me acting like a teenager, and he the adult calling to apologize? I don't know, but it has highlighted how much I love my child, teenager or not. It has also made me think back to myself as a teenager and the issues that made me rebel and how that rebellion was dealt with. It has highlighted for me the type of parent I want to be, and the type that I don't. In the end, I have to remind myself that this too shall pass.

the natural order of things

2009-11-10T15:21:00.000-08:00

I am having an emotional day. I am thinking about how I would never survive the tragedy of losing a child as Steven's cousin did on Sunday. A beautiful, vibrant and wonderful girl lost her life far to soon and I can't stop thinking about my children. I want to clothe them in bubble wrap and never let them leave the house; protect them from the dangers that lurk outside my care. This, of course, is not possible. We have to learn to love and let go, allowing our children grow and become who they are intended to be. Yet, I love my children so fiercely, from the depths of my core, that I cannot fathom experiencing what far too many parents have faced, my grandmother and aunt included. I would imagine you find strength that you didn't know existed, yet never fully recover.

If I have only one wish in this lifetime it shall be that my life follows the natural order of things. The natural order of my children outgrowing me by years and years. The natural order that I can experience becoming a grandparent while watching the same love I have for my children pass to their own. The natural order of living a life full of wonder and beautiful memories while gracefully aging as intended by nature. If only one wish...

the little things

2009-11-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

Nothing makes you appreciate the little things more than waking at 4am to your child coughing that terrible croup cough. The one that gives you a startle and makes you appreciate her health while you vow to do anything possible to make her feel better.

And, nothing makes you appreciate the little things more than sitting in bed with your sick child watching Marlie and Me, while one of your pets is at the vet. I think Emerson might have said it best, "Life is a journey, not a destination..."

one more

2009-11-04T07:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, one more list by way of internet and then I'll get back to what's really going on.

There are at least two people in this world who would die for you.
At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
The only reason someone would hate you is because they want to be just like you.
A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
Every night someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
You are special and unique.
Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look.
Always remember the compliments you receive. Forget about the rude remarks.
And always, always remember that your mother loves you more than the moon.

what to look for

2009-11-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

The internet has provided a surge of useless emails that bounce around the globe. Whether it be about politics, cleaning tips or finding some fictitious girl who was never lost in the first place the networks are clogged with useless information. My typical response is an immediate delete even prior to reading, however, this one made it through. As I read the words of advice I first thought of my girls, but also about Alex, and what he could learn from it. So, here is to finding a person who appreciates you for who you are, or for being that person who appreciates what they have. I can only hope that my children are as fortunate with love as I have been.

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'"

pride and sorrow

2009-10-31T17:11:00.000-07:00

I took the girls to the pool last weekend. Yes, late October in the foggy bay area and there we were, pool side. As I sat and watched the girls running and splashing through the water I noticed how completely uninhibited they were. There were no worries of how they looked in their swimsuits, no worries of who was around them, no concerns about the traits that grown women spend countless dollars trying to alter. It was pure beauty. I took all of this in with a mixture of pride and sorrow. Proud to have daughters who are so completely beautiful yet strong and smart with a sense of compassion for others. The sorrow comes from the probable self-consciousness that will likely come as they age. I hope that they never loose their sense of self and uninhabited way of being free, and as their mother I will certainly do everything I can to make them see the power in their individuality. Then came Tuesday...Lucy lost her first tooth. It was a moment I will forever cherish. Standing outside of her classroom at the usual dismissal time she suddenly came running out with her lower lip proudly pulled down so that I could see that her tooth had come out. I let out a big cheer with tears pooling in my eyes. My baby girl was growing up! Again, more pride and sorrow. So proud of watching this little girl handle the whole situation that she was initially so frightened by, and sorrow at understanding this was a beautiful experience that would never come again. That toothless grin could not have been more beautiful. pure and simple. Belleza pura.

a look to the future

2009-10-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor on Thursday. A new doctor. Typical protocol with new patients requires a physical, blood work and a battery of tests, and much to my surprise, an EKG. Not having had an EKG before I was a bit taken back when the doctor mentioned it since I don't feel old enough to justify needing one, yet in came the nurse with the machine and started sticking electrodes to my chest. Though the test didn't take long it did provided me with enough time to think about my own mortality. Laying there watching the rhythmic movements of my heart I suddenly thought about my children and what would happen if I actually had something serious to contend with. What would happen if I had to face saying good-bye to them too early. It was a frightening experience that ripped my heart out just from imagining it all. Luckily, everything turned out fine and with any hope my plan of living another 50 years will pan out. Besides, I need to live up to my threats of becoming the ornery old woman my children will one day have to care for!

10 Random Things...

2009-10-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

For my entry today I am following the lead of my buddy, the motown stepmom girl, who followed the lead from her sister by making a list of 10 random things about me.

Despite being a total grouch on one occasion or another I love my children more than anything in this world.
I love to travel and would go almost anywhere to learn almost anything and meet almost anyone.
I buy more books than I can possibly read in a lifetime, but there is always that chance that after the kids are grown that I will have copious amounts of time to read through them.
Following Margarita's lead... I love gerbera daisies but only realized after reading Margarita's list that they were gerbera (with an "a) and not gerber (like the baby food).
I still miss my grandmother everyday and constantly wish she were a phone call away to ask for advice. 5 1/2 - I can only hope that I will be half the mother that she was.
I hate clutter yet always seem to be contending with it.
The quiet time I have in my studio is as close to nirvana as it gets.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
I love rainy days inside with a warm blanket and good book.
I don't ever want to feel like a grown up but instead want to stay young at heart and raise hell when I'm old.

ahchoo

2009-10-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

Ahchoo. It's something I've been saying often the past few weeks. Yes, weeks. Not days. I seem to have skipped, hopped and jumped straight from one virus to another. School is baaaaccck. So today, when I would much rather just close the blinds, grab a good book and snuggle under the covers all day I am instead heading to San Francisco on BART with twenty three energetic 5th graders. I volunteered months ago to attend Dave Eggers writers workshop with Electra's class. I admit that if it had merely been a writers workshop, san the Dave Eggers part, I might not have been so quick to sign up. Despite the high probability that Dave Eggers will be absent the entire day I still thought it sounded like a cool gig. Afterwards we are going to walk through the mission for a tasty bite at a mexican restaurant where the kids are required to place their order solamente en espanol. Once we arrive back to Berkeley you will likely find me sprinting back home for that good book and a bit of rest, but until then the marathon begins...

green

2009-10-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

My toes are green. I let the girls pick out my polish color and now I have green nails with sparkly flowers. While I normally wouldn't be caught dead with such choices I suddenly find myself wearing my new look with pride. A maternal pride that only a parent can appreciate.

On another note, I just returned from American Idiot with Alex. He didn't like it! Unbelievable. I thought for sure he'd love it, but I was wrong. Apparently he doesn't like plays, or musicals, or rock operas. Steve, Brad, and I, however, found it to be an amazing compilation of Green Day's music. I guess that Alex won't be joining us for the second viewing that I purchased tickets for!

sunday, lazy sunday

2009-10-11T09:47:00.001-07:00

It's Sunday morning. A lovely, lazy morning. The girls and I are watching one of my all time favorite movies, Patch Adams, Alex is at Randal's, Steve at the ranch. It's one of those moments that are exceptional in an ordinary way. Today we are meeting Brad and getting pedicures. Just the girls, and Brad. And tonight. Tonight! With the exception of the girls, we are going to see American Idiot. I am giddy with excitement. Steve, Brad, Alex, Justin and I are heading to Berkeley Rep to see the rock opera by, in my opinion, one of the best rock/punk bands of my generation. Very cool. It has turned into a very lovely weekend. Now, if only I could click my heels together three times to stop Lucy's ear from hurting every 2 minutes while getting the house to my level of expected cleanliness. Oh well...

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang in on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

less than perfect

2009-10-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

I have a confession. Our family is not perfect. Not perfect in many ways, yet so beautifully pristine in others. Through the broken pieces there is a view that will soften through the years and, I hope, become fond memories of all we've been through together.

sunflowers and life

2009-10-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

The past few days have presented me with an incredible opportunity to reflect on how fortunate I am. On Sunday morning I was informed that a distant relative had succumbed to the H1N1 flu virus. A twenty seven year old mother of two. It certainly gave me a moment of pause to stop and reevaluate life and the complaints that come up, trivial complaints, while the cliches started to sing through my head.

dance like no one is watching.
life is full of beauty. notice it.
dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today.
the most important things in life aren't things.
yadda, yadda, yadda...

There are times when the moments, and days, and months just fly by and before you know it Alex is 16 years old, Lucy is commanding her way through Kindergarten and Electra is reading the books that I so fondly remember when I was a kid. Many of my favorites such as Island of the Blue Dolphins.

While Steven was off catching his first two foot trout at the ranch, the kids and I had wonderful weekend together despite all of us fighting off the usual symptoms that surface this time of year. With Electra's friend Zara in tow we headed to San Francisco on Saturday where we had lunch, went bowling, played at a park and then ended the day at the Zeum's art and technology museum. Alex even came with us which was an added treat. It was one of those experiences that can often get watered down by the more grandiose outings, yet these little moments are the ones that we should probably cling to the most. I am sort of thinkin' that life is a lot like the sunflower that my grandfather surprised us with one summer, growing slowly and steadily, often unappreciated and unnoticed until near it's end of the cycle when at last the blossom is in its full beauty. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, so blossom or no blossom, enjoy your day. (and may I remind myself of this when the kids are fighting, the house is a mess, dinner is not cooked... ;)

a blog is born

2009-10-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

I am the mother of three amazing children, each incredibly different in their own way. Try as I might I seem to be failing at keeping up on the journals that I started for each of them while pregnant. While I still manage to get monumental events documented there are so many little noteworthy nuances and miracles that happen day to day. Quotes, comments, experiences. This blog is for them. With the help of my very technically saavy husband I hope to back these entries up so that they can one day look back, with some relative fondness, for the moments we shared as a family.