pride and sorrow

I took the girls to the pool last weekend. Yes, late October in the foggy bay area and there we were, pool side. As I sat and watched the girls running and splashing through the water I noticed how completely uninhibited they were. There were no worries of how they looked in their swimsuits, no worries of who was around them, no concerns about the traits that grown women spend countless dollars trying to alter. It was pure beauty. I took all of this in with a mixture of pride and sorrow. Proud to have daughters who are so completely beautiful yet strong and smart with a sense of compassion for others. The sorrow comes from the probable self-consciousness that will likely come as they age. I hope that they never loose their sense of self and uninhabited way of being free, and as their mother I will certainly do everything I can to make them see the power in their individuality. Then came Tuesday...Lucy lost her first tooth. It was a moment I will forever cherish. Standing outside of her classroom at the usual dismissal time she suddenly came running out with her lower lip proudly pulled down so that I could see that her tooth had come out. I let out a big cheer with tears pooling in my eyes. My baby girl was growing up! Again, more pride and sorrow. So proud of watching this little girl handle the whole situation that she was initially so frightened by, and sorrow at understanding this was a beautiful experience that would never come again. That toothless grin could not have been more beautiful. pure and simple. Belleza pura.

a look to the future

I went to the doctor on Thursday. A new doctor. Typical protocol with new patients requires a physical, blood work and a battery of tests, and much to my surprise, an EKG. Not having had an EKG before I was a bit taken back when the doctor mentioned it since I don't feel old enough to justify needing one, yet in came the nurse with the machine and started sticking electrodes to my chest. Though the test didn't take long it did provided me with enough time to think about my own mortality. Laying there watching the rhythmic movements of my heart I suddenly thought about my children and what would happen if I actually had something serious to contend with. What would happen if I had to face saying good-bye to them too early. It was a frightening experience that ripped my heart out just from imagining it all. Luckily, everything turned out fine and with any hope my plan of living another 50 years will pan out. Besides, I need to live up to my threats of becoming the ornery old woman my children will one day have to care for!

10 Random Things...

For my entry today I am following the lead of my buddy, the motown stepmom girl, who followed the lead from her sister by making a list of 10 random things about me.

1. Despite being a total grouch on one occasion or another I love my children more than anything in this world.
2. I love to travel and would go almost anywhere to learn almost anything and meet almost anyone.
3. I buy more books than I can possibly read in a lifetime, but there is always that chance that after the kids are grown that I will have copious amounts of time to read through them.
4. Following Margarita's lead... I love gerbera daisies but only realized after reading Margarita's list that they were gerbera (with an "a) and not gerber (like the baby food).
5. I still miss my grandmother everyday and constantly wish she were a phone call away to ask for advice. 5 1/2 - I can only hope that I will be half the mother that she was.
6. I hate clutter yet always seem to be contending with it.
7. The quiet time I have in my studio is as close to nirvana as it gets.
8. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
9. I love rainy days inside with a warm blanket and good book.
10. I don't ever want to feel like a grown up but instead want to stay young at heart and raise hell when I'm old.

ahchoo

Ahchoo. It's something I've been saying often the past few weeks. Yes, weeks. Not days. I seem to have skipped, hopped and jumped straight from one virus to another. School is baaaaccck. So today, when I would much rather just close the blinds, grab a good book and snuggle under the covers all day I am instead heading to San Francisco on BART with twenty three energetic 5th graders. I volunteered months ago to attend Dave Eggers writers workshop with Electra's class. I admit that if it had merely been a writers workshop, san the Dave Eggers part, I might not have been so quick to sign up. Despite the high probability that Dave Eggers will be absent the entire day I still thought it sounded like a cool gig. Afterwards we are going to walk through the mission for a tasty bite at a mexican restaurant where the kids are required to place their order solamente en espanol. Once we arrive back to Berkeley you will likely find me sprinting back home for that good book and a bit of rest, but until then the marathon begins...

green

My toes are green. I let the girls pick out my polish color and now I have green nails with sparkly flowers. While I normally wouldn't be caught dead with such choices I suddenly find myself wearing my new look with pride. A maternal pride that only a parent can appreciate.

On another note, I just returned from American Idiot with Alex. He didn't like it! Unbelievable. I thought for sure he'd love it, but I was wrong. Apparently he doesn't like plays, or musicals, or rock operas. However, I found it to be an amazing compilation of Green Day's music. I guess he won't be joining me for the second viewing that I purchased tickets for!

sunday, lazy sunday

It's Sunday morning. A lovely, lazy morning. The girls and I are watching one of my all time favorite movies, Patch Adams. It's one of those moments that are exceptional in an ordinary way. Today we are meeting Brad and getting pedicures. Just the girls, and Brad. And tonight. Tonight! With the exception of the girls, we are going to see American Idiot. I am giddy with excitement. We are heading to Berkeley Rep to see the rock opera by, in my opinion, one of the best rock/punk bands of my generation. Very cool. It has turned into a very lovely weekend. Now, if only I could click my heels together three times to stop Lucy's ear from hurting every 2 minutes while getting the house to my level of expected cleanliness. Oh well...

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

sunflowers and life

The past few days have presented me with an incredible opportunity to reflect on how fortunate I am. On Sunday morning I was informed that a distant relative had succumbed to the H1N1 flu virus. A twenty seven year old mother of two. It certainly gave me a moment of pause to stop and reevaluate life and the complaints that come up, trivial complaints, while the cliches started to sing through my head.

• dance like no one is watching.
• life is full of beauty. notice it.
• dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today.
• the most important things in life aren't things.
• yadda, yadda, yadda...

There are times when the moments, and days, and months just fly by and before you know it Alex is 16 years old, Lucy is commanding her way through Kindergarten and Electra is reading the books that I so fondly remember when I was a kid. Many of my favorites such as Island of the Blue Dolphins.

The kids and I had wonderful weekend together despite all of us fighting off the usual symptoms that surface this time of year. With Electra's friend Zara in tow we headed to San Francisco on Saturday where we had lunch, went bowling, played at a park and then ended the day at the Zeum's art and technology museum. Alex even came with us which was an added treat. It was one of those experiences that can often get watered down by the more grandiose outings, yet these little moments are the ones that we should probably cling to the most. I am sort of thinkin' that life is a lot like the sunflower that my grandfather surprised us with one summer, growing slowly and steadily, often unappreciated and unnoticed until near it's end of the cycle when at last the blossom is in its full beauty. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, so blossom or no blossom, enjoy your day. (and may I remind myself of this when the kids are fighting, the house is a mess, dinner is not cooked!)

a blog is born

I am the mother of three amazing children, each incredibly different in their own way. Try as I might I seem to be failing at keeping up on the journals that I started for each of them while pregnant. While I still manage to get monumental events documented there are so many little noteworthy nuances and miracles that happen day to day. Quotes, comments, experiences. This blog is for them. I hope to back these entries up so that they can one day look back, with some relative fondness, at the moments we shared as a family and the pieces of wisdom worth passing along...